Forgiveness...

She felt like a train wreck. The guilt was over-whelming her. She said she was sorry but it didn’t seem good enough. She said it again, nothing. Ice covered his voice as he spoke to her, making her feel it all over again, a vicious cycle of guilt and sorrow and apologies. She was being sincere in her apologies but forgiveness takes time. This is something she needs to remember. Forgiveness has power. It has the power to relieve, when and if you forgive yourself and others, and the power to destroy, when you stew in your anger and guilt. Forgiveness is something she needed now…forgiveness from him but mostly forgiveness from herself, which she is not willing to give up easily. Why did she allow her mouth to cause so much trouble? Why does she speak when she should be quiet? These questions perplex her mind as she ponders them. She now has time to think of these ghastly questions while he is safely in dreamland. Being alone with her mind is dangerous. It gives her freedom to think of all she doesn’t want to; why she is in this mess in the first place. He betrayed her first. This is not judge reason to act the way she did but it helps numb the pain of her own affliction. Had he not betrayed her first, none of this would be a problem. She felt like she needed someone to talk to, maybe someone who has been through this. Someone who could offer words she needs to hear. Not apologies, which coincidently is what she is dishing out now, but uplifting words, Godly words, something that would make her insides stay inside. She felt then as she does now but this time, she couldn’t believe, feels worse. She feels like someone just struck a blow to her stomach and something ominous is going to happen if she doesn’t just hear those three words she is longing to hear: I forgive you. She was quick to forgive, and continues to forgive daily. She wonders why it isn’t as easy to forgive her. What’s wrong with her? 358 words haven’t convinced her that she is even worthy enough to lie beside him in bed. She might as well stay up all night; sleep on the couch, or better yet- the floor for what she’s done! Pathetic is the right word choice for this now. Now she is just being pathetic. His words were beautiful, “I still love you, nothing you do will ever shake that truth”. Spoken like a true poet…which is what he is. He is a poet who writes so vividly and true. His poems are real and straightforward. They’re sometimes dark but always beautiful. If only she had as much talent. She feels…she feels too much. This has been her ranting of feelings. Feelings are subjective, not truth. She needs to find the truth in her being. She is a child of God: truth. She is loved by God and others: truth. She is beautiful: truth. She is worthy of forgiveness says Jesus: truth. She is worthy of forgiving herself says Jesus and her Holy Father: truth. She is forgiven. Amen.